Our All American Dream

My dear readers I have recently come across a new phenomenon sweeping the globe (well the “Western Half” of the globe) and it’s called the MANCESSION. I am in love with this word. I am thinking of having t-shirts printed “I Rocked the Mancession: Tour of 2007 – 20??” or “I didn’t survive the Mancession, but at least I got this lousy t-shirt.”

Now you are probably wondering what exactly is a “Mancession.” Please allow me to explain: “The recent economic downturn has been dubbed the ‘Mancession’ for its disproportionate effect on traditional male industries.”  What that really means is since 2007, two-thirds of the eleven million jobs lost were positions held by men. 

Wait, there is more:

Societal and economic shifts may put more men in Western countries at risk for depression (once they lose their job), write the authors of an editorial in the March issue of The British Journal of Psychiatry. It may be more difficult, on average, for men to adjust to a domestic role. Men’s failure to fulfill the role of breadwinner is associated with greater depression and marital conflict. Men find themselves trapped in a family role from which they cannot escape because of an inability to find employment.

Wow, that’s some uplifting shit. So now I don’t only have to deal with being unemployed and trying to find work when a majority of male occupations have simple disappeared. I also have to be worried about being depressed because I am adjusting to a more “domestic role” that I am “trapped in,” because of an inability to find employment.  Talk about kicking someone when there down, unless that position too has been lost in the Mancession. Perhaps now it’s only nudging someone annoyingly while their down, or poking them obnoxiously with a stick.

Sometimes I wonder how scientists come up with these studies and findings. Maybe it goes something like this (Please note it helps if you imagine both Bob and George have English accents, it’s much funnier that way, trust me.):

Bob: Hey George, lets come up with an easy study that will get lots of exposure and make us seem real smart for saying something that everybody already knows and we’ll use big  made-up words.

George: Sure Bob, let’s do it on unemployment. I mean have you seen how many millions of people are unemployed? We can milk this cow for a long time. Tenure here we come.

Bob: That’s brilliant! Everybody knows that losing your job sucks. So what we’ll do for our study is say it really, really sucks and since guys will be stuck at home and have no money that will also suck. And maybe we can call it the Suck Study.

George: No, that’s a horrible name; we need something, clever and catching. Let’s see it’s about men and we’re in a pretty bad recession. Hey I got it Man-cession! Front page of New York Times here we come.

And my dear readers that is how a stupid and nonsensical study is created.  Seriously though, how does this help the discourse on unemployment? All you are doing is giving men another reason to feel sorry for themselves. Isn’t it painfully obvious that losing your job really bites the big one? You don’t need to be a fancy scientist writing in an academic journal to figure that one out.

I have a great suggestion, instead of telling people how depressed they are going to be about unemployment, perhaps they can offer suggestions about how to deal with depression. I know, call me crazy. Or even better help create new jobs for all of these depressed unemployed people. Although if they did that then what would they have left to study? Then maybe they too would find themselves unemployed, oh the horror.

To all those political junkies out there who are nervously following my illustrious campaign for President, I want you to know that for today’s column I am taking a little break. But you have my word; there will be plenty more to come.

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This past Monday, February 28^th was my 7^th Wedding Anniversary. Normally I pride myself on my ability to get my wife a nice present as a celebration of our love. Now before you get too worried about overt consumerism I want you all to know that I did write her a beautiful poem. I also understand that you don’t need to spend a lot of money to convey how you feel about someone. However, sometimes it sure is nice.

There is something very appealing about knowing that you have the ability to buy stuff, whether it’s for you, your significant other, your children, friends or family. In addition, have you noticed that there always seems to some damn holiday or celebration that you feel compelled to spend money on. I love watching how stores like Target, CVS, or Walgreens always have those couple of isles that they reserve for whatever real or made-up holiday there is. In the last couple of months it started with Halloween, at the end of August mind you. And how many of you had to buy candy twice, because the first time you bought candy Halloween was still a month away? Next came Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. On January 2^nd the Valentine’s Day stuff came out and now they have St. Patrick’s Day and Mardi Gras paraphernalia. Do we really need to buy each other cards pretending we’re Irish? “Top o’ the mornin’ to you!” And who needs an excuse to drink anymore – have you seen the economy and the unemployment rate?

For better or worse we all feel the pressure to spend. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s how we define ourselves, how we define our self-worth. And when that’s gone, wow, talk about a blow to the ego. It just becomes another one of the many challenges that we face when we find ourselves unemployed. However, dear readers this column and blog is not just about problems, it’s also about action and solutions. I mean how many unemployed people run for President; I bet I am the only one.

With that can do spirit in mind this past Monday night, right before my wife and I went to bed I gave her a beautiful 3 carat diamond ring. I gave her this ring in our suite on that new cruise ship Oasis, the one with 27 pools, a roller coaster, 18 theaters (one of which is underwater) and the actually “Fountain of Youth” in the lobby, but please no touching. This was right after we got done playing black jack at the $100 minimum table. You know those full tables that you always see at a casino, where people are throwing around thousands of dollars like it’s nothing and you wonder to yourself –“What in hell do all these people do for a living?” Yeah, that’s the table we were at.

We had a wonderful time. And let me tell you we both really needed a vacation after all the stress we have been through. Also, we never had to worry about getting a really bad sunburn. Why you might ask, well because none of it was true. The whole time we were stuck in our bedroom at home pretending and seeing who could out do and create the better “virtual” anniversary presents (thanks to my wife I am now the ruler and dictator of Disney World, but a benevolent ruler). But, that’s beside the point. It sure was fun and allowed us to do the most important thing  . . . laugh.

Laugh and find humor and closeness when it was needed the most. And that my dear readers is what it’s all about. Forget the gifts, the ego, how much money you spent. When it all comes down to it, it’s about connection and finding whatever means, whether real or made-up, to connect with those that you love.

Therefore, in the spirit of Oprah’s favorite things show and because I am such a nice guy, I have decided to ‘connect” with all of my loyal readers and give you a brand new car. Also if you look under your chair you will find the new iPhone 7 that won’t even come out for two more years (and this in the one that won’t give you a brain tumor). And last, but definitely not least, a free cruise with me on the Oasis (by the way if any Royal Caribbean people are reading this keep in mind this is the second plug I am giving you here. Imagine how nice of a plug I could give you for a free cruise . . . think about it).*

But mostly importantly to all my unemployed friends out there, I want to give you a job.

Thanks you for your time and God Bless the Unemployed!

Man, this is grueling work. No wonder so few people run for President and the majority that do end up dropping out. Not me though, I am in this for the long haul. Free concerts here I come. Although, I have noticed that running for President is very similar to being unemployed,  surprisingly there seems to be a lot of down time.

Although I’ve had some campaign stops and am planning a few more. I met and spoke passionately with our educational leaders. We all know the importance of education and the current crisis it’s in. We are trying to educate our future leaders and need to do a better job. It was amazing how much of this I was able to convey as I dropped my child off for Kindergarten.

Next stop on the campaign trail was a very well attended rally where I met members from the agriculture and food service industries, hospitality and banking. Everyone was really nice to me at the supermarket and they all assured me of their votes.

I am looking forward to my rally later today that will allow me to speak with our youngest Americans. Just because they cannot vote, does not mean that they aren’t important. It should also provide great PR opportunities, there will be Moms, Dads, babies and kids galore. It also gives me a chance to connect with my fellow Americans when I take my daughter to the park.

I also attempted to stimulate the economy and the manufacturing sector but I realized I had to cut back my spending in order to reach my goals of financial security and could not buy the flat screen television that I wanted.

I must admit though, when trying to balance my budget I do engage in deficit spending. But like our elected leaders I am hoping to avoid a government shutdown. Actually, I try and avoid that every single day.

Please check out my Facebook page by clicking here and vote for me to become the next President of the United States.

God Bless America and God Bless the Unemployed!

My dear unemployed brethren you have read that correctly. I, in my warped, but infinite wisdom have decided to run for President of the United States. After conducting my own informal straw poll which I am happy to say I won (It’s easy to win when you don’t really know what a straw poll is. Actually, I tried to see how many straws I could hold in one hand, the magical answer is 27.) I have decided to pursue one of the last American Dreams left standing and run for the Presidency. Now some of you might be wondering why on earth have I decided to run for President. Well, please allow me to explain.

Forget being the most powerful person on the planet able to control the largest military in the world. Or being able to help reshape countries and affect billions of lives. No, why I want to be President is because I really need a job.

I mean talk about great job security. Imagine having guaranteed employment for 4 years, and the possibility of 8 years? Well, all my unemployed friends that would be a dream come true. You have to admit it would be pretty hard to fire me, minus of course any unfortunate “accidents” with an intern. In addition, I would never have to worry about being downsized or laid off. What are they going to do, have the Vice President run the Country?

Now let’s talk about the benefits package, I hear it’s amazing. Just think of the health care coverage, not just for me, but for my entire family (and I don’t have to pay anything extra to get them covered). Oh, and imagine never having to wait in line or dealing with the TSA at the airport again, because I have my own 747. In addition to a really big plane I will have a tennis court, putting green, jogging track, swimming pool, movie theater, billiard room and a bowling alley. If I ever get hungry, which I am bound to do being the President, I have 5 full-time chefs who can make whatever I want, whenever I want and they also live in my house. Keep in mind that’s a house that I don’t have to pay rent or a mortgage on. Further, I would no longer have to worry about any commute, because I work from home. They also throw in a vacation house to use when I want. Then I can top it off with a $50,000 per year expense allowance and a $19,000 entertainment account that’s renewable each year. I would also have a staff of more than 100 people to take care of me– including florists, secretaries, groundskeepers and stewards.

Also imagine a rock group or musician that I like, but I could never afford the cost of tickets to see them in concert. Well now all I have to do is invite them to my house and they will play for me – for free! How cool is that. And when I’m all done with this job I get a wonderful pension that will be at least $148,000 each year. I’m telling you, it’s all about the perks.

Now you naysayers and doubters out there, and you know who you are; might be saying “But Steven you have no legislative experience how could you possible run for office?” I would like to point out that I hail from the great State of Florida, and I turn to our newly elected Governor (who is also thinking about running for President) as my inspiration. Rick Scott also had no legislative experience and he was elected Governor. In addition, he was fined 1.7 billion dollars in his last job for defrauding Medicare.

The largest fine that I’ve ever received was $150 for a speeding ticket. The way I figure it I still have $1,699,999,850 left in fines to give up and still be found competent. Furthermore, I have a legal birth certificate which says that I was born in Miami, FL and I would be happy to share it with anyone that asks – that’s one minefield avoided.

I also want you to know that at no time will I be accepting any campaign contributions. First of all if you are unemployed you do not have any money to send, so don’t even think about it. Secondly, to those of you who are lucky enough to still be employed you need to hold on to every dime you got, because it just might be a matter of time. However, if there are any diehard finds out there that are over flowing with funds and feel a need to spend I would ask you to send your donations here. This is a wonderful organization that does a great job helping people find jobs.

In the next couple of days and weeks I will be launching my campaign nationwide (all that really means is I will create a  Facebook page and try to shoot some funny political advertisements with my iPhone). I will write about them in the blog first to let you know. My goal with Facebook (it’s up, please click here) is to be able to have 1,000,000 people join the American Dream party (By the way that’s the name of my new party. I was thinking of calling it the Hamburger Helper party, but American Dream just had a better sound to it, and I was outvoted by every person I talked to for obvious reasons.) and vote for me to become the next President of the Unites States, because I really need a job. 

Please send this to all of your friends. And if any of your friends happen to be Oprah, Ellen, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, or anybody in the media, then that’s even better! Keep in mind I am not too humble and will offer bribes, I promise I will give you all a ride on my plane.

God Bless America and God Bless the Unemployed!

My dear readers I apologize for not having a column today, but I promise a major announcement will be coming on Monday so please check the blog then. And no, I did not get a job.

Please feel free to speculate in the comments below and if you are lucky enough to guess the Major Announcement you will win (drum roll please) a package of that magical and mysterious Hamburger Helper.

Thank you and God Bless the Unemployed!

I would like to start off today’s conversation with a thank you to Kelly. Everybody needs to check out her comment which can be found by clicking here. First of all, it’s nice to know that I have fans and if I may be so bold, and I can, because it’s my blog, say I have groupies. Not only is Kelly a groupie , but she wrote a comment that was thoughtful, insightful, funny, sad, kind and it ended with an appeal about why someone should hire me. In my book you can’t get much better than that. More importantly Kelly brought up a really interesting point that up to this time I have not really addressed – the importance of friendships to get you through the rough patches.

I’ve decided to throw in alcohol, because I cannot deny the power of a good stiff drink or maybe a couple to help take the edge off. It also gives you a little bit of hope when the sober side of you knows that hope boarded that train of despair and left the station a long time ago.

When you find yourself unemployed it seems that you are constantly reminded of that fact all day long. Perhaps it’s not having anywhere to go between the hours of 9 to 5. Or maybe it’s not having enough money to live and provide for your family that does it. Whatever reminder is out there for you, trust me when I say we all feel it. Therefore, it is imperative to do stuff that makes you feel normal. And the best thing you can do is hang out with friends and laugh.

You can laugh at the fact that when there was a power outage the first thing you (and your friend) did was look outside and make sure everyone’s power was out, because then you knew that the electric company hadn’t shut off your power again. You can laugh at all the people that have to get up, shower, and get nicely dressed when you have been wearing the same sweat pants for a week. And you can definitely laugh at all those people that bitch about their job and how much they hate it. That is one problem that you no longer have.

You see, you have to laugh, because if you don’t then you will end up crying all day long. And have you ever seen an adult cry for 10 hours straight, it’s not a pretty sight. Our friends allow us to forget about ourselves and our problems for a little bit and that is a miraculous gift. So my unemployed readers call up some friends, invite them over for dinner. You can fix some Hamburger Helper for them, it’s real cheap. It’s also amazing how many people you can feed from such a little package. If they ever figure out the secret to perpetual motion it will be because somebody fully examined and analyzed what’s in Hamburger Helper.

If you have friends that are employed you need to call them and tell them to take you out to dinner. And yes, you go ahead and order an appetizer as well as a soda – no water for you. We have to learn to be willing to accept people’s kindness and generosity. I know how humbling it can be, trust me I know. However, how many times have you helped out your friends and families before? How many times have you been there for them, now it is time to let them be there for you. If it’s one thing I learned through this whole ordeal is that you cannot make it through this by yourself – there is no way.

So I end this column today with wanting to hear from you. What humorous stories do you have? How have you and your friends and family banded together? Perhaps you dress up as superheros and toilet paper the Legion of Doom’s Headquarters. Or maybe you just grab a glass of wine and go for a walk arm in arm with your friend and watch the sun go down, knowing that when tomorrow comes so does the possibility of a job.

God Bless the Unemployed!

My dear readers, I just think I came up with the most fabulous job opportunity. I can hardly contain myself I am bursting with so much excitement. Okay, so you know how there are these people out there . . .

(Just a side note, I always hate when people write or say “out there”. I mean where is “there”? And if they know where “there” is, why don’t they just tell you. My whole life I grew up thinking about this magical and mysterious realm called “there” where everything wonderful and exciting happens, and it was definitely not here, because nothing ever happened here, but always “there”.)

 . . . who you can hire to buy cars for you. We all hate buying cars and dealing with a car salesperson who is trying to screw us. So you can hire this person and he or she will go buy your car. If that is not the American Dream then I don’t know what is.

So with that as my inspiration I have decided that people should hire me to get jobs for them. Now wait, I know what you are thinking. You are probably saying, “Hey Steven, isn’t that what head hunters, employment agencies, One Stop Career Centers and websites like Monster and Career Builder for?” And I would say yes, you are right, but they don’t work  . . .

(Actually collectively they do work and pretty well at that. And for all those who are unemployed they are some of the first places that I would recommend you look. Wow, I guess Spiderman was right. With great blog power does come great blog responsibility. But, I am trying to write a humorous column here so for now they all suck!)

 . . .  and you should not use them. You should hire me. Because the beauty of what I am offering, are you ready, this is going to blow you away, is I will go to the interview and pretend to be you. That’s right you read that correctly. First off I am white and I am male, so right there those are two of the key characteristics in getting a job. I have a Master’s Degree from Harvard so I can throw in some Ivey League credentials. I’m tall, and it’s a proven fact that tall people make more money than short people. God knows how many interviews I have all ready been on. By now I got this thing pretty figured out. Please see the example below.

Interviewer: So tell me why do you want this job?

Mary (Well really it’s me Steven, I am just pretending to be Mary): Because I want to end world hunger and usher in a new age of prosperty for the global economy that will allow all of us to reach for the stars, starting with the star who is sitting in front of you.

Interviewer: But this is for a job draining septic tanks, that doesn’t make any sense?

Mary/Steven: What I meant to say is the best fertilizer comes from septic tank waste, and if you plant me in that waste I will grow like a beautiful rose reaching for the sky.

Are you starting to see what I am talking about? People would kill for these qualifications and interviewing skills. And since they sure as hell are not helping me get a job, perhaps I can sell them to you in the hopes that it lands you some work. I’m telling you this is pure gold. If there are any potential investors out there shoot me an email, I’ll offer great terms.

Now the doubters and naysayers out there (and you know who you are) are probably thinking well that’s all fine and dandy, but what are you going to do if the person actually gets the job? To you silly and confused people I say, don’t you know what the unemployment rate is like? That for every one job opening there are a minimum of 5 unemployed people. The 5-to-1 ratio means that there is literally only one job opening for every five unemployed workers (that is, for every four out of five unemployed workers there simply are no jobs). With those odds do you really think the person I am interviewing for is going to get the job? I mean come on. How can I not be a great success?

Now if I can just get someone to hire me. Hmm

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Finally I would like to end this blog with an appeal. To my dedicated readers out there, you know all 5 of you. Well minus my mom and dad; so then my three dedicated readers I need more from you. If you recall this is supposed to be an interactive blog. I already know what I think, trust me I am stuck with that 24 hours a day – you have no idea. Now I want to know what you think. Did you laugh or cry? Are you outraged? Has something similar happened to you? Please share. And don’t worry if there are not too many people reading this. Remember it’s the quality, not the quantity. And my dear readers you are the best quality around. Actually I don’t really know that, because no one will write a comment!

Thank you for your time and God Bless the Unemployed